What NOT to Try After 50
I had published an article all about “No such thing as too old.” where I talked about buying a Harley in my 50’s, skydiving and getting a tattoo. Well, today I want to talk about the things older folks should definitely NOT do. So, grab your reading glasses; we are in for a wild ride!
First up, the glorious world of roller skating. When I turned 63, my friend said, “Let’s get some roller skates! It’s great exercise to help get rid of our COVID bellies!” I thought, “Sure! I loved skating at the rink when I was a teenager. What could go wrong?” Apparently, the answer to that is: EVERYTHING. I bought those flashy gold glitter skates, which I was convinced would make me look like a disco queen. Spoiler alert: I looked more like a disco disaster. I went down faster than a bad relationship! I felt like a ton of bricks crashing to the ground—thankfully, I had my pads on. But when you’re over 60, even those do little to protect your dignity! My wrist hurt for weeks, and my bruises looked like abstract art. I should’ve just stuck to making jello shots instead.
Speaking of jello shots — now there’s a topic! Did you know that drinking jello shots after 60 requires a week-long recovery program? Forget about a hangover; it feels like an episode of a dramatic medical series: “This week on ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ watch as our hero learns the hard way that a party of one on a Tuesday with rainbow jello shots leads to three days of complete agony!” You discover you have more backup plans for your recovery than you ever had for your romantic life. “Okay, if I drink this margarita, I'll need two days off tomorrow.”
Let’s not even talk about reading glasses. I fought against it like a toddler refusing to take a nap. Just when I thought I could read the menu without help, suddenly my arms turned into spaghetti! I went from “I can read this fine!” to “Who wrote this in hieroglyphics?”
And what is it with hearing? “What?” has turned into my favorite word. I say it so often, even my family thinks it’s my new catchphrase. I hear low voices, and it’s like trying to tune into a shady radio station - all static and no signal! I’m convinced the world is just whispering secrets they don’t want me to know.
Speaking of technology, oh boy, don’t get me started! I bought a car a few years ago, and the only thing I’ve mastered is the horn. It’s like they designed it with a "let’s confuse old lady's" feature! I finally figured out how to connect my phone, and now my car only responds to Led Zeppelin songs. I’ll accept that my clock is perpetually an hour off until next year; it gives me a good excuse for being late!
And here’s a pro tip: when you’re in heavy traffic, turn the radio down! I don’t know why, but it helps me concentrate. My daughter tells me, “Mom, turning down the volume doesn’t help you see the road better. It’s not like the radio waves are blocking your view!”
Lastly, new apps? My brain can barely keep up! It feels like I’m on a treasure hunt through a maze designed by an evil genius. I see this new app, and I'm like, “Great! I’ll just download that and easily keep my life organized.” Next thing I know, I’m trapped in a virtual reality where I can’t figure out which button gets me back to my regular life!
So, there you have it—my guide to what older folks should not do. Remember, laughter is the best medicine—unless you trip on roller skates while listening to Led Zeppelin. In that case, book a doctor’s appointment right away! Thank you!
Roller skating with my gold bling skates
